Being a wife can be scary!

Oh how I love my husband! The past ten months have been very challenging! We haven't even been married for ten months, but they have had ups and downs for sure. May 22, 2013 is when Michael's back went out. He couldn't move, couldn't get dressed, screamed in pain whenever he tried to move. It was the most awful thing I have ever experienced. Knowing that there wasn't anything I could do to take away Michael's pain was just heart breaking. I was probably so annoying trying to do everything else for him because I couldn't do what I really wanted to do...take away his pain! 

We started off seeing the chiropractor four times a week for a while. He was still hurting so bad. We didn't have our usual summer of being outside a lot riding bikes, taking walks, ect. Instead we did very little because we could only do what he could handle with his pain. He started to have so relief from the pain late summer. He even managed to be at our wedding without his cane which we weren't sure he was going to be able to do. 

He did three rounds of injections, the first one help for about a week, the second made it worse, and the third help take about 50% of his pain away. He still couldn't stand up straight do to the fact that his whole right leg went numb. Michael also did a few rounds of physical therapy 

We still continued with chiropractor care about once a month. And he finally said, that we needed to see a surgeon and see what they see. So we saw a surgeon and he suggested surgery would be the best way to go. He would go in shave away the portion of his disc between L4 L5 that was herniated and that would take the pressure off of the nerve that was causing his leg to go numb. 

The time came! It was the week of surgery, and all along I had no bad feelings about surgery...until it was here. Early this week I started to get nervous. My husband was going to have back surgery. They took out a piece of bone, moved his nerves, and shaved away part of his disc...that is scary! 

I am reading through the Psalms right now, and Tuesday night, the night before surgery, I read Psalm 26. The first verse just grabbed a hold of me:  

 "Declare me innocent, O Lord,
    for I have acted with integrity;
    I have trusted in the Lord without wavering." 

I need to put all of my trust in the Lord that God would be guiding the surgeons hands as he operated on Michael's back! I just continued to pray for Dr. Eyke and his surgical team, and that Michael's body be ready to receive this surgery and that his body heal and be able to function as normal. 

Surgery went great. Michael can stand up straight without his leg gong numb. He can't bend, lift or twist so I help him with most things. But he is doing great! 

Today after ten long months of not being able to be outside together we went for about a half an hour walk outside! It was a slow walk, but it was so amazing! 

Praise to God for bringing healing and relief to Michael! We are blessed! God brought us closer together and with Him, we got through this injury! 

Nation Eating Disorder Awareness Week

This week is Nation Eating Disorder Awareness Week. The christian girl rock band Superchick, has a song entitled Courage. It is a song that holds true to my heart. The song was written about one of the band members, Melissa's, struggle with her eating disorder. The words of Melissa's song were very true for me also. 

View this youtube video that has some scary very true statistics: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0pwXRQxSYE

My Story:

When I was a teenager, I struggled with always being over weight. It's hard being an awkward preteen/teenager trying to find out place in this world and adding all of the pressures for kids at school, media, family members, ect. I never felt good enough, I never felt like I fit in, I didn't buy my clothes where everyone else bought theirs. 

I was in high school when I decided that I wasn't going to eat anymore. I stopped eating, I thought no one would notice. No one would pay that much attention that to me....to my surprise there were people paying that much attention to me. I remember very clearly going to dinner, of all places, with a friend and he sat across from me and asked me what I thought he was like in high school. I knew something was going on I had no idea what it was. I guessed what I thought he was like and I guessed totally wrong. He shared his story with me of his struggle with an eating disorder. I, at that moment, felt as if I was going to throw up right then and there. It was in that instant that I knew what he was going to say to me. He knew! I couldn't believe it. I thought I was hiding it really well. 

The first verse of Courage:
I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well," "I ate before I came"
Then someone tells me how good I look
And for a moment, for a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone, no one hears me cry

I, told those lies. I told people all the time I ate before I came, I'm not hungry, my stomach doesn't feel well, ect. I have vivid memories of people telling me that I was looking good they could tell I had lost so weight...so of course it made me feel good and the not eating continued. It was when we were at a movie night at a friends house with I got so dizzy and had to lay down. My friends noticed, they told some one. They were only trying to help. One might think that I was happy that someone noticed me and cared enough about me to help me, but I was furious! I was hurt. I felt as if my friends couldn't keep a secret, they 'told on me' and then I was in trouble for not eating. I couldn't take another bite of food while at dinner. However I was told that I would be eating the rest of my food. So I choked down the rest of my dinner while talking about how I wasn't eating, how I thought I was ugly and fat, and not good enough. 

I wasn't in trouble, which is what I felt at the time. What happened was that I was being taken aside, for someone to tell me how much they cared about me and how much I meant to them. That looks didn't determine who you are, or how successful you are, or your worth. That looks don't make you any more or less of a person. But what I was told was, that how you look, your shape, size, color, number of hairs, number of wrinkles, color of your eyes, is just absolutely perfect, BECAUSE I am a child of God. God knows the number of hairs I have, for someone to know that detail of me is true love. He died on the cross for ME and for YOU because he loves us that much! So how you look doesn't change the fact that the king of kings, and lord of lords, LOVES YOU! He loves you unconditionally, even when you don't love yourself....his love never fails! 

I tried very hard to believe that. I took me years. I would go on random paths of not eating. It would just kind of go in spurts. After I was raped I felt like I wasn't good enough and that I was raped because I was ugly and over weight and that's what I deserved. The devil was telling me all sorts of lies, and in my weakness I believed everything the devil was telling me. I at one point was taking laxatives to lose weight anytime I ate. I couldn't stop taking them because I was afraid I was going to get fat again. I had to give them to a friend, who threw them away at her work and it was hard to convince myself to eat when I didn't have the laxatives to take anymore. But again, I was so blessed to have friends who cared so much about me that they kept feeding me Gods truth and helped me to see who I really am, a child of God. I still have bad days, of 'fat' days where I don't feel so great about myself. I have a husband who thinks I'm so beautiful, and he never lets me forget that. I always tell him when I'm feeling crappy about myself and he just reminds me of the truth of who I am in Christ, and that he loves me so much. 

I hope that you have people in your life that you can surround yourself with that will lift you up and cover you in Christ's love, so you feel as loved as you truly are! That what the media, and peers say, is covered in the truth! And the truth is that you are loved, you are beautiful, and you appreciated as you are! You are loved! 

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, there is help. Call this confidential, free helpline for help and referrals >> 800-931-2237 << or visit www.neda.org. 

I pray if you have an eating disorder, whether it's just started or been going on for years, that you seek help. Find who you are away from that eating disorder, it doesn't define who you ! You are fearfully and wonderfully made! By the love of Christ! No greater joy! 

Be Blessed, 
Ashley