Being a wife can be scary!

Oh how I love my husband! The past ten months have been very challenging! We haven't even been married for ten months, but they have had ups and downs for sure. May 22, 2013 is when Michael's back went out. He couldn't move, couldn't get dressed, screamed in pain whenever he tried to move. It was the most awful thing I have ever experienced. Knowing that there wasn't anything I could do to take away Michael's pain was just heart breaking. I was probably so annoying trying to do everything else for him because I couldn't do what I really wanted to do...take away his pain! 

We started off seeing the chiropractor four times a week for a while. He was still hurting so bad. We didn't have our usual summer of being outside a lot riding bikes, taking walks, ect. Instead we did very little because we could only do what he could handle with his pain. He started to have so relief from the pain late summer. He even managed to be at our wedding without his cane which we weren't sure he was going to be able to do. 

He did three rounds of injections, the first one help for about a week, the second made it worse, and the third help take about 50% of his pain away. He still couldn't stand up straight do to the fact that his whole right leg went numb. Michael also did a few rounds of physical therapy 

We still continued with chiropractor care about once a month. And he finally said, that we needed to see a surgeon and see what they see. So we saw a surgeon and he suggested surgery would be the best way to go. He would go in shave away the portion of his disc between L4 L5 that was herniated and that would take the pressure off of the nerve that was causing his leg to go numb. 

The time came! It was the week of surgery, and all along I had no bad feelings about surgery...until it was here. Early this week I started to get nervous. My husband was going to have back surgery. They took out a piece of bone, moved his nerves, and shaved away part of his disc...that is scary! 

I am reading through the Psalms right now, and Tuesday night, the night before surgery, I read Psalm 26. The first verse just grabbed a hold of me:  

 "Declare me innocent, O Lord,
    for I have acted with integrity;
    I have trusted in the Lord without wavering." 

I need to put all of my trust in the Lord that God would be guiding the surgeons hands as he operated on Michael's back! I just continued to pray for Dr. Eyke and his surgical team, and that Michael's body be ready to receive this surgery and that his body heal and be able to function as normal. 

Surgery went great. Michael can stand up straight without his leg gong numb. He can't bend, lift or twist so I help him with most things. But he is doing great! 

Today after ten long months of not being able to be outside together we went for about a half an hour walk outside! It was a slow walk, but it was so amazing! 

Praise to God for bringing healing and relief to Michael! We are blessed! God brought us closer together and with Him, we got through this injury! 

Nation Eating Disorder Awareness Week

This week is Nation Eating Disorder Awareness Week. The christian girl rock band Superchick, has a song entitled Courage. It is a song that holds true to my heart. The song was written about one of the band members, Melissa's, struggle with her eating disorder. The words of Melissa's song were very true for me also. 

View this youtube video that has some scary very true statistics: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0pwXRQxSYE

My Story:

When I was a teenager, I struggled with always being over weight. It's hard being an awkward preteen/teenager trying to find out place in this world and adding all of the pressures for kids at school, media, family members, ect. I never felt good enough, I never felt like I fit in, I didn't buy my clothes where everyone else bought theirs. 

I was in high school when I decided that I wasn't going to eat anymore. I stopped eating, I thought no one would notice. No one would pay that much attention that to me....to my surprise there were people paying that much attention to me. I remember very clearly going to dinner, of all places, with a friend and he sat across from me and asked me what I thought he was like in high school. I knew something was going on I had no idea what it was. I guessed what I thought he was like and I guessed totally wrong. He shared his story with me of his struggle with an eating disorder. I, at that moment, felt as if I was going to throw up right then and there. It was in that instant that I knew what he was going to say to me. He knew! I couldn't believe it. I thought I was hiding it really well. 

The first verse of Courage:
I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well," "I ate before I came"
Then someone tells me how good I look
And for a moment, for a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone, no one hears me cry

I, told those lies. I told people all the time I ate before I came, I'm not hungry, my stomach doesn't feel well, ect. I have vivid memories of people telling me that I was looking good they could tell I had lost so weight...so of course it made me feel good and the not eating continued. It was when we were at a movie night at a friends house with I got so dizzy and had to lay down. My friends noticed, they told some one. They were only trying to help. One might think that I was happy that someone noticed me and cared enough about me to help me, but I was furious! I was hurt. I felt as if my friends couldn't keep a secret, they 'told on me' and then I was in trouble for not eating. I couldn't take another bite of food while at dinner. However I was told that I would be eating the rest of my food. So I choked down the rest of my dinner while talking about how I wasn't eating, how I thought I was ugly and fat, and not good enough. 

I wasn't in trouble, which is what I felt at the time. What happened was that I was being taken aside, for someone to tell me how much they cared about me and how much I meant to them. That looks didn't determine who you are, or how successful you are, or your worth. That looks don't make you any more or less of a person. But what I was told was, that how you look, your shape, size, color, number of hairs, number of wrinkles, color of your eyes, is just absolutely perfect, BECAUSE I am a child of God. God knows the number of hairs I have, for someone to know that detail of me is true love. He died on the cross for ME and for YOU because he loves us that much! So how you look doesn't change the fact that the king of kings, and lord of lords, LOVES YOU! He loves you unconditionally, even when you don't love yourself....his love never fails! 

I tried very hard to believe that. I took me years. I would go on random paths of not eating. It would just kind of go in spurts. After I was raped I felt like I wasn't good enough and that I was raped because I was ugly and over weight and that's what I deserved. The devil was telling me all sorts of lies, and in my weakness I believed everything the devil was telling me. I at one point was taking laxatives to lose weight anytime I ate. I couldn't stop taking them because I was afraid I was going to get fat again. I had to give them to a friend, who threw them away at her work and it was hard to convince myself to eat when I didn't have the laxatives to take anymore. But again, I was so blessed to have friends who cared so much about me that they kept feeding me Gods truth and helped me to see who I really am, a child of God. I still have bad days, of 'fat' days where I don't feel so great about myself. I have a husband who thinks I'm so beautiful, and he never lets me forget that. I always tell him when I'm feeling crappy about myself and he just reminds me of the truth of who I am in Christ, and that he loves me so much. 

I hope that you have people in your life that you can surround yourself with that will lift you up and cover you in Christ's love, so you feel as loved as you truly are! That what the media, and peers say, is covered in the truth! And the truth is that you are loved, you are beautiful, and you appreciated as you are! You are loved! 

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, there is help. Call this confidential, free helpline for help and referrals >> 800-931-2237 << or visit www.neda.org. 

I pray if you have an eating disorder, whether it's just started or been going on for years, that you seek help. Find who you are away from that eating disorder, it doesn't define who you ! You are fearfully and wonderfully made! By the love of Christ! No greater joy! 

Be Blessed, 
Ashley

Thankfulness should continue...

As we end the Thanksgiving weekend, I've been reminded over and over again how many people and things have blessed my life, and my families lives. This year Michael and I hosted both of our families at our house. My mom, step mom, sister, his mom, dad, and brother all joined us. It was such a wonderful day. I am so blessed to have families that can get together and enjoy one another. I was visiting with some other people Saturday night, who say that their families cannot get together peacefully and enjoy each other. We had so much fun gathered closely around our kitchen table. We shared stories, and lots of laughter. It was beautiful. Coming from a divorced family that did not get along at all, where everything was a fight and working against each other, it is so amazing and such a blessing to be able to share a holiday meal together!

I am so thankful to continue to receive things from my step mom that were from my dad, or were my dads. My dad has been gone for almost five years now, and it has been a real struggle this year without him. My dad missed out on one of the biggest days of my life this year as I married my best friend. I was so sad that he wasn't physically there with us. I know Michael would get along with my dad so well. On Thursday, my step mom gave me a gift when she got to our house. When I opened it, it contained our "Turkey Family" that my dad, brother, and I had before he re-married. My dad's hand writing is on the bottom of all of the turkey's. I am so thankful to still have things that have his distinctive handwriting on them.

I am so thankful for the new family members I gained this year. We had a big scare just before the wedding when my father-in-law fainted and fell off of his bike. He was in the ICU for about five days, his memory wasn't good, and he busted the tip of his elbow off, which required surgery with plates and screws. Thankfully, his elbow is gaining strength well, and his memory continues to get better and better everyday. But most of all I am thankful for his life! I'm so thankful he wears a helmet! That saved his life!

I am so thankful for my mom! She helps me with so much, but this year she helped so much with getting things ready for the wedding. She has supported us so much. I had the most amazing wedding ever and couldn't have without my mom! I had so much fun braving the crazy black Friday shopping with her! We had great success with the angel tree kids and other family members! :)

I am thankful for the love of my step mom, brother, his girlfriend, and my sister! I love them dearly and am thankful for the time I get to spend with them!

I am thankful for my brother and sister-in-law! I am thankful for the tiny baby that is growing in my sister-in-laws belly! I cannot wait for Michael and I to be an aunt and uncle in June!

Today at church the sermon was about time...when is our end here? We don't know. I've experienced that a lot in my life: my grandparents died when I was growing up starting when I was six until I was seventeen, a friend of mine died when I was 20 in a snowmobile crash, my dad died when I was 21, my friends son died when he was seven, and we had a big scare with my father in-law this year. I love everything I have been seeing on facebook with people posting things they are thankful for every day during November. However, I've really been thinking how life is short, and we don't know when it's going to end. We, myself included, need to slow down, not rush things, and be thankful and give praise and thanks to God for everything he has blessed us with! Our thankfulness shouldn't just last in November, our thankfulness should continue everyday, all year long!

I hope you were blessed Thanksgiving!

Peace and love!
A

Snowflakes

Today I was walking to the bus stop to pick my friends two children up. It was snowing. Now I don't really care for snow, but as I walked out of the garage their giant tree looked so beautiful with the fresh snow on it. As I was walking down the road snow hitting my face, as I was looking at the ground covered with millions of snowflakes I couldn't help but think of our youth group lesson from last night.

Now we talked about the story of Jesus feeding the 5000. Which then lead to to talking about gifts and things we have to offer. Five loaves and two fish were offered...and it fed 5000 people. Jesus took something small and ordinary and turned it into a miracle.

We shared gifts one another have, that may be different from someone else. For example, Tracee (one of my youth group volunteers) is an amazing cook and baker. She  provides dinner for us on Wednesday nights so that we can all come together share in a meal with each other and fellowship. My student Madalyn, she is very nurturing. She is wonderful not only with children, but with everyone. She is positive and encouraging. Gary (youth volunteer) he has the gift of humor. I don't know if there is anyone Gary can't make laugh. Mason (student) he has the gift of being inclusive. He has a very relaxed and chill attitude, he creates an inviting environment. God doesn't need us to do extraordinary things, he wants us to give what we have. We are like snow flakes. Everyone of us is different, we have different things to offer. No snow flake is alike all different. When all the snowflakes fall and come together they are make such a beautiful picture....we can do the same thing. When we call come together to offer our all, the gifts God has given us we too can make a beautiful picture.

Much love, 

Ashley 

Whoa! Busy and very blessed summer! Time to catch up! Part 2...August

So here we are in August….so crazy! Time has gone by so incredibly fast! The first weekend in August was my bridal shower and bachelorette party. Everyone has asked why I didn’t my bachelorette party so far away from the wedding, but it just made since to me to do it the same day that everyone who was here from out of town didn’t have to come back a second time. My shower was held at Fricono’s Pizza! We had great food! I couldn’t believe my eyes with all of the gifts I received! Such a blessing! I had fun opening listening to my friends and family comment on the gifts. One very cool gift I received was all of my dad's recipes! That was a cool addition to all of the recipes I got! Following that week was Unity. It was amazing! I wasn’t super excited for anyone coming expect David Crowder. BUT…what I was excited for was the amazing worship time we would have that weekend with all the artists that were coming. Another thing that I was totally stoked about was that MAM (morning after ministries) was coming. I made very good friends with them last year and was so excited to know they were coming back! MAM is founded by the beautiful Christy Brooks. They talk about dangerous habits that we fall into…..eating disorders, self harm, addiction, and sex. They share educational packets, with information to resources that you can go to for help. But, one of the coolest things they do is build relationships, listen and pray for people who come up and share with them. I was so blessed to be a part of that for most of the weekend. It was awesome to share my story of abuse, assault, and destructive to behavior, and how Jesus saved my life. I know my worth is not in what I look like; it’s not in what society says that I should like….my worth is in Jesus Christ who died on the cross for ME! And the totally amazing thing is…..Jesus died on the cross for YOU too! He wants to be the focus of your life, not what you or society thinks you should look like. You are made beautiful in Christ! Take a look at this documentary that is made by MAM (http://www.morningafterministries.com/documentary/) . It features a 16 year, the beautiful and lovely Jenna who I spent time with at Unity this year, and a 21 year old. It talks honestly about their struggles in life, and how God changed that. They are just a group of amazing people and I’m so blessed to know them and call them friends! God was really working through us this summer! On Saturday morning we headed to the beach. It was so peaceful when we go there. The water was still there weren't many people there. We sat and did devotions and it was amazingly peaceful. I was so thankful to spend that time with them! A while later Niki Jimmy and the kiddos came down to play. Great way to start our last day off! This past weekend we had a lock with the youth group at church. It was awesome! I had 19 students there. We played games, experience prayer stations, at pizza in the late night and went to church on Sunday morning! It was a lot of fun!